President Obama Unveils New Apple iPAB at Press Conference


by Whitney Pitcher 

In a Friday afternoon press conference, President Obama unveiled the new Apple iPAB–a device with the ability to ration healthcare for Medicare patients.

“Older Americans are using technology more and more frequently”, the President said, ” this new new device will allow for healthcare to be more efficient by allowing patients to know whether or not they will be able to receive treatment before they even leave the house”.

Some major components of his healthcare plan have or potential will be delayed, including business mandates and some information technology based aspects of the law. However, other parts of the law he has chosen to implement more quickly. The new Apple iPAB was introduced through a new executive order from the President.

With this executive order, rather than appointing member to the Independent Payment Advisory Board to be confirmed by the Senate, the President has ordered that this board be replaced by Siri.

HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius stated in a press release that seniors will simply have to ask Siri, “will Medicare cover my blood pressure medication?”. Using already collected personal data from the NSA and IRS, Siri will be able to quickly determine whether or not a patient will be rationed whatever particular medication or procedure they have queried. This is will save patients the hassle of having to go the doctor, which, subsequently will help reduce carbon emissions from travel.

Vice President Joe Biden has been tasked with Beta testing the new iPAB and has run into some minor issues after he shot the iPAB with a shotgun after he consistently mistyped his passcode. ” God love, Siri. You know what they say, ‘an apple a day–an iPAB– keeps the doctor away’. Barack and I want to make sure that’s true”.

Former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin has denounced the iPAB as a digital death panel that continues to give too much power to the federal government and rations care.

Note: This is simply satire. Please read it as such.


Filed under Uncategorized

3 responses to “President Obama Unveils New Apple iPAB at Press Conference

  1. lemonv

    So is he the ad spokesman for Apple now?

  2. 2ggintexas

    This article is NOT funny……..further, it’s too close to the truth to be satirical…………I’m 70; I’m healthy; I’m racking my brain on how I’ll be able to afford medical care beginning in 2014………even if this “Board” approves it…..I repeat……..NOT funny.

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